Loss and the holidays
There’s no good time
to have a loved one ill or pass away, but the holiday time does seem to raise the emotional level for those dealing with a tough situation. And because of that, I think it’s important to treat those friends and family members with care.
Acknowledging the situation,
with a note or a card is the least invasive way to respond. It lets your friends know you are thinking of them, but doesn’t require a response from them. Just a note as simple as, “thinking of you at this difficult time” is adequate.
When you see the people in person,
let them lead the conversation. They may not wish to discuss their situation with lots of people or it may just be too emotional to talk about it…respect that and don’t ask a lot of questions. It’s okay to let them know you know about their loved one with again, something as simple as, “ I am thinking of you.” If they want to talk more they will do so. To not mention it can make you seem insensitive or not caring.
Offer help in specific ways. Ask if they could use some food or if you could run some errands for them instead of saying, “call if you need something.” Most people won’t call you and they don’t want another thing to do. If you are taking food, ask what they prefer. Sending a lot of desserts to people who don’t eat sweets isn’t very helpful. Making food that can be popped into the freezer can also be a huge help.
Be mindful of the “firsts.”
The first Christmas, the first birthday or the first anniversary without a loved one can be very difficult. And the yearly anniversary of losing someone is often an emotional day. Remembering these days with something as simple as a text message saying, “you’re remembering their loved one and them,” will mean a great deal. Consider making a note in your phone contacts with the special dates behind your friends name. It will then remind you when getting close to those days.
If you are sending out holiday cards,
your usual cheery letter about how great your year has been may not be what they want to hear. Consider sending something special and specific for them with a short note in it.
Do include the friends
who are grieving in invitations, but don’t push or be critical if they back out at the last minute. Grief is a day to day thing that can keep one off balance for some time. And if they do come, allow them to be sad or even teary. The last thing they need is people expecting them to be “cheery.” Remember, loss at the holidays is a very difficult time.
Well said.
I would also add, that as a host, there may be triggers (song, food, even a phrase) that causes an emotional response from your friend. It’s not your fault, how could you even have known – just respond with compassion and understanding.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom on this sensitive topic, Suzanne. I always appreciate your input.