funeral etiquette Archives - Professional Courtesy, LLC

What Not To Say When Elderly Loved One Dies

October 28, 2016 by procourtesy

What Not To Say When Elderly Loved Ones Die

My father died quietly at home, on June 1st, 2015, two months shy of turning 98 years old. He had had a good quality, long life up until the very end. And I knew how fortunate we were to have had him in our lives for that long of a time and to have him so well and vital. That isn’t always the way lives play out when one is close to being 100 years of age. He had all of his faculties, was mobile, in his own home, enjoyed his children, grand children and great grand children and even played cards with my mom before they went to bed the night before he died. The next day he closed his eyes and died.

After his death I was quite surprised at some of things people said to me in offering their sympathy. Some people just said they were sorry for my loss, but many said things that were disturbing to me, especially in reference to my dad’s age and the fact that he died quietly at home.

I don’t think anyone said things to intentionally hurt my feelings, I think many people just don’t know what to say. But, there was a lot of, “wow, what a way to go” and “we all should be so lucky to go that way.” And it started to dawn on me that things were said that probably wouldn’t have been said in reference to a younger person dying. While, young people dying can be an unexpected and untimely loss, losing an older loved one in your life doesn’t diminish the fact that there is now a hole in your life.
Many of the comments seemed to over look the fact that I had lost my dad and because of his age and circumstances of his death made me almost feel like I didn’t have any cause to be sad.

When we lose a loved one, especially a parent, regardless of there age and circumstances of their death, we lose a part of ourselves and we become the oldest generation in the family. That in itself can give you pause. We also lose the a person we used to go to with questions, ask advice, get details on family history and so much more. Once they are gone, it’s final, there is no going back for another conversation.

So, what should you say to someone who loses an elderly loved one? How about, “I am so sorry for your loss, I am sure you will miss them.” That statement honors the loss and grief that we all experience in losing a loved one regardless, of their age.

I am reminded of something my late father-in-law said when his 103 year old mother died when someone asked him how it felt to lose his mother who had lived so long. He said, “it’s the end of an era for this family”, with a tear in his eye. He too would miss her.

Obituary Etiquette

April 17, 2015 by procourtesy

Cemetery Gravestones

Believe it or not, there is obituary etiquette…

Writing an obituary is a very personal task, and those responsible for doing it do have a lot of latitude these days. However, there are some important things to consider. An obituary is a public notice of someone’s death, but it can also be a celebration of one’s life and accomplishments. It becomes their “swan song.” So, there are certain things you’d want to mention.

Include the deceased person’s full name and nicknames if that is how he or she would be remembered by most people. List date of death and the city in which the person died. Some people even list whether the person died in a medical or hospice facility. Listing the cause of death is optional, as are photos of the deceased. But photos are becoming more and more common. Some families put a photo of the person when they were young and a more current photo, as well.

•Listing the date of birth and age is customary. That information can help people reading the obituary put the person in context. However, it is not a requirement.
If the deceased is an adult woman and she has been married more than once, list all of her names throughout the years, including her maiden name.
When listing survivors, include parents, spouses, children, siblings and any other family members who would be important for readers to know about. When listing adult survivors give their full names and the names of their spouses.
The next piece of the obituary would be about the person’s life and accomplishments. This is where you’d list where the person was born and where he or she lived. Note where the person was educated, military service if that is applicable, where the person worked, and the organizations he or she belonged to and any major achievements throughout the person’s life.

•If the person was preceded in death by parents, siblings or children, list those names, too.
Give the details for the funeral or service and viewing times, and any preference for memorials in lieu of flowers. Listing preferred memorials is often a clue as to why the person died if cause of death is not listed.
Do list the name and address of the funeral home. This allows people an option for sending notes of condolence if they are not privy to family’s address.

•Don’t hesitate to seek the help of the funeral director for details and logistical issues for the obituary.

Guidelines and cost may vary from paper to paper, so be sure to check as to what your paper requires.

What to do When Your Patient Dies

January 23, 2014 by procourtesy

What to Do When Your Patient Dies

Over the years, many people have shared with me their disappointment at the lack of acknowledgment from their physician when their loved one died. Especially, when their loved one had been a long time patient of the physician. In fact, many people have shared that they switched physicians because of what they perceived as a slight.

When people go to a physician for many years, especially the family physician, it is not unusual to feel a real bond with that physician and staff. Think about it, medical people are involved in some of the most intimate times in a person’s life. They are there when babies are born, when your kids get raised, when loved ones are diagnosed with terrible illnesses and yes, when people die. So, it makes sense to me that when a patient dies, some acknowledgment should be made by the physician and or his or her staff to the family.

I also think hospitals should have protocols in place to acknowledge the death of patients in their facilities. Many hospitals send congratulations on the births that take place in their delivery units, why would you not note something on the opposite end of that spectrum.

At a time when health care seems less and less personal to patients some simple, but thoughtful gestures of concern and sympathy can let patients know that you really care about them and their families.

Here are some things a medical practice could consider:

Have a policy in place as to how you are going to acknowledge the death of one of your patients.
Sending a hand written note from the physician and staff would be greatly appreciated.
A token floral arrangement is another option.
Send a representative from your office to the calling at the funeral home.
Follow up with a phone call after a short period of time to the surviving family member if they are your patient.

Hospitals could send a personalized letter of condolence to the family…no generic form letters for this situation.

Reach out and let your patients know that you care. I guarantee they will appreciate it.

Let me know what your office or hospital does. I am very interested to know.

A footnote: I have had several dogs over the past years and when any of them died we got a heartfelt sympathy note from our Vet…I think people deserve the same from their physicians.

Survey for Grief Book

January 21, 2014 by procourtesy

Survey for Grief Book

I am doing research for a book that I am writing on dealing with grief and the etiquette that goes with it. I’d appreciate your comments to the questions listed below. Feel free to answer as many or as few as you’d like. Also, feel free to add more comments separately.

If you think of any other questions that you feel would be of value, please share those, too.

To respect your privacy feel free to email me your comments directly at karen.hickman@p/ The identity of anyone replying will be protected using a pseudonym and or changing details to protect your privacy.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on a difficult subject. My goal in writing this book is to enlighten people on the best ways they can help friends and loved ones when they are experiencing loss in their lives.

1. If you have lost a loved one, what was your relationship to the deceased; a spouse, parent, child, sibling, grandparent or friend

2. How long has it been since your loved one died?

3. Was their death sudden or after a long illness? If sudden, what was the worst part for you?

4. If they had an illness of any length, were you able to care for your loved at home?

5. If you kept your loved one at home, did you have help? If yes, who?

6. Did your loved one die in the hospital or another medical facility? If so, were the needs of your loved one met?

7. Did the staff demonstrate compassion toward your loved one and your family?

8. Did your family member’s physician and/or staff acknowledge the death of your loved one with a note or a funeral home visit?

9. If yes, were you appreciative?

10. Has the grief process been more difficult than you had imagined?

11. Was there a point in time when you felt a shift and lessening of your grief? If so, how long after your loved one died was it?

12. Who were the most supportive people to you after your loved one died? What were the most helpful things people did for you

13. Who were the least helpful? Why?

14. What were some of the most surprising things people said to you after the death of your loved one?

15. What questions did you dislike answering.

16. Did you seek counseling? Was it a group or private counseling?

17. Was your counseling helpful?

18. Were there any particular books on grief related topics that you found helpful? If so, which ones?

19. Was there anything in particular that helped ease your pain? For instance, certain rituals, meditation, wearing an article of clothing of your loved one, etc.

20. If there was one piece of advice that you would give someone who is new to the grief process, what would it be?

What Not To Say When Elderly Loved One Dies

Obituary Etiquette

What to do When Your Patient Dies

Survey for Grief Book

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